Marriage

10 years ago....

Charla — Thu, 28 May 2009 10:37:35 -0400

Jeff and I celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary today.

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Sexual Duty

Wayne — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 14:09:53 -0400

As a follow-up to this thread...

Christians should take note of their own law. 1 Corinthians 7:5 tells us that we have a sexual responsibility to our spouse:

Stop depriving one another...

If both agree, then there is an exception:

...except by agreement for a time...

Even then, the cessation of sex is for the Lord's purpose (a kind of short-lived fast):

...so that you may devote yourselves to prayer...

Although this is Biblical law, it's none of the State's business, with the possible exception of a lawsuit based upon breach of [marital] contract, should sex be withheld. One might argue reasonably that withholding good sex is just such a breach of the civil marital contract and of Biblical law, too.

Now, to really piss off you feminists, take note of the preceding verse (1 Cor. 7:4):

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does...

Men, keep reading:

...and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

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CA Marriage Woes

Wayne — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 09:02:26 -0500

CA voters long ago passed DOMA (defense of marriage act, defining marriage as one man and one woman). The state Supreme Court overturned the law as being unconstitutional. The voters responded by passing Prop 8, an amendment to the state's constitution that succinctly defines marriage as one man and one woman. Now the CA AG is refusing to defend it--he's fighting it, in fact--because it's "unconstitutional".

The original DOMA was overturned by the courts because it was unconstitutional. The people said, "Fine, we'll make it constitutional by amending the constitution." The AG now says the earlier court ruling, ostensibly based upon the old constitution, "overrules" the new, amended constitution. Talk about circular logic! Here's some more irony: the AG is correct in that no constitutional amendment can lawfully negate an inalienable right. He fails to mention why, though.

You can't lawfully negate an inalienable right because its inalienability is granted by God Almighty and not by man or his government. However, if you are appealing to the Almighty for the basis of inalienable rights--what other basis can there be?--you cannot then ignore the Almighty's definitions of those rights. Marriage is certainly a God-given right, but the Bible clearly defines marriage as a man and a woman (Biblical polygamy notwithstanding, a topic for another day) and condemns homosexuality several times and in both testaments.

The problem in CA is easy to understand. There are those who are living according to worldviews at least somewhat in alignment with the correct, Biblical one. Then there are those who are living in alternate worldviews where homosexuality is "moral" behavior. Each is also implicitly defining government and inalienable rights according to these clashing worldviews. The gay-marriage folks, though, seem too stupid to understand that you have no legitimate or even feasible basis for government sans Godly authority. In fact, theirs is the very definition of mob-rule, in contrast to the AG's similar but idiotic charges against the marriage-defenders.

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Please pray for new parents

Dave — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 09:29:05 -0400

Some friends of ours have just been blessed with their first child, and they are having a hard time. The new mom, especially, is struggling with her fears about parenting, and with nursing in specific. They are also having a hard time getting sleep. They are both strong believers, but I am afraid they are having a hard time hearing the Lord right now. Please pray that they be filled with strength and peace from the Lord, that they find solutions to the nursing and sleep issues, that the baby's health issues (minor, but still of some concern) clear up, and -- most of all -- that they remember their Father and seek His voice during this trying time.

Thank you very much for praying. I think that is what they need more than anything right now.

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As it was in the days of Noah...

Dave — Wed, 28 May 2008 09:23:48 -0400

The title of this post is a quote from Matthew 24:37: "But as the days of Noah were, so also will the coming of the Son of Man be." (NKJV) In the past, I have wondered just what this meant. I recently learned something that may shed some light on this issue.

In a recent column, Janet Folger references one of her radio shows during which an interesting claim was made. According to Folger, and to Rabbi Aryeh Spero, who was a guest on the show, the Babylonian Talmud states that during the "time of Noah," prior to the Flood, marriage contracts were written between men. Folger and Rabbi Spero further assert that this is the only time in all recorded history when this has been the case -- until now. The main topic of the radio show was the ruling by the California Supreme Court legalizing gay marriage, though of course homosexual marriages have already been recognized in other states for some time now. If Folger and Rabbi Spero are correct, then this is a very interesting distinction, a unique similarity between the current period in history and that one.

Having said that, the Lord does provide a bit of an explanation of Matthew 24:37 in the following verses:

For as in the days before the flood, they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark, and did not know until the flood came and took them all away, so also will the coming of the Son of Man be.
Matthew 24:38-39, NKJV

These verses indicate that the Lord's meaning was, at least in part, that the wicked people would be completely oblivious to their impending doom. They will not know the Scriptures, and they will have dismissed any warnings they might have received about the end times as lunacy. Nonetheless, the Lord's mention of marriage in v. 38 may point towards homosexual marriage. There is nothing directly in the Scriptures to indicate this, and that is clearly not the primary meaning of the verse, but it is possible.

Even if it is true, I do not believe that our current age is "as the days of Noah were." Recall that the Lord expressed willingness to spare Sodom and Gomorrah in the event that ten righteous people were found living there (Genesis 18:16-33). Of course, there were not ten there, but only one. Likewise, there was only one righteous man in the "days of Noah," and so the Lord did not spare the wicked then, either. With regard to His return, the Lord gave an indication that there may not be many righteous left at that time in Luke 18:8: "I tell you that He will avenge them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?"

Now, even given the sorry state of the church these days, I believe that there are many, many more than ten righteous people in America today. This will change, though, as the criminalization of Christianity progresses, and lawlessness spreads across the nation. The ruling in California is a major step in this process, but it is still just a step.

As believers, we must all turn to the Lord, pray for His mercy, and witness to unbelievers at every opportunity. Make no mistake, He is coming! Will you be ready?

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Investing in your husband

Wayne — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 09:26:16 -0500

Wives, you clean your husbands' houses. You raise his kids. You fix his dinners. You tend to his sexual needs and desires. You stand by him through thick and thin. Yet, for some reason, he still treats you as a servant, doesn't romance you often enough, and is always failing to make as much effort as you do. What's wrong with him?

What does it take to invest in your husband? You invest in him the way you want him to invest in you. But this is not the way it works. He does not necessarily value the same things you value. For you, having your husband do the dishes just once without being asked may be worth a thousand bucks. But for him, having you do the dishes every day is not worth more than the market value of the labor. What are you missing?

The correct question is, "What does he want?" We each value thing differently, else commerce could not take place. I may value a hundred bucks, but I might value that hundred-dollar jigsaw a little more. If I value the tool more than the money, then a trade is beneficial to me. If the manufacturer sees the jigsaw as worth only 80 bucks (say, his cost), then he'll value the money more, so he, too, sees the trade as beneficial. The key, though, is that different things are valued differently by different people.

Wives may value some things, but husband will value other things. Wives try so hard to please their husbands by doing the very things that they (wives) value. They miss the point. First, learn what the husband values; then, give him that. You may think it's worthless, but it's not your opinion of its value that matters if he's the recipient. Just like good gift-giving, you must give what the other wants, else it's not a good gift.

So what do husbands want? What is a good investment in men? Sure, that next gadget or tool is worth something, but you needn't trade your valuable effort for it when he can trade money. Besides, your effort is worth far more than mere money. One thing men value very highly is something that is hard to come by. This is part of what gives it value to men. They want it at work. They want it in the community. They want it publicly. And they want it at home. Respect.

Men cannot impress upon their wives enough how valuable respect is to them. They make tremendous efforts in their jobs, yet their bosses have little clue of their true worth. They amass great experience, and all they ask is the respect that is proportionately due. They provide well for their families, meeting their every need and often most every desire, yet finding respect at home is the most elusive.

How might a wife show respect for her husband? The answer to this seems elusive to most wives, even those who understand the value respect has for men. Keeping the home is certainly one way, but in totality, not each act. Standing by her husband is a great sign of respect, often literally. I mean, sometimes a wife should literally stand next to her husband, showing others that she is his. In this way, he can demonstrate his pride in his wife. Respect can be demonstrated in conversational subservience: allow him to do the interrupting but don't interrupt him. Don't talk over him, louder than he, or--God forbid--instead of him [i.e., let him be the primary, conversational representative of you as a couple or family]. It's really a small thing, and it's not like she will not have the opportunity to have her full say; but by playing the role of the second, allowing him to be the first, she can show him great respect. (Men must never take advantage of this to the point of depriving their wives of the chance to fully express themselves, but wives should avoid plowing over their husbands--verbally speaking--in order to speak their minds.) Respect his "me" time, time he keeps to himself to relax and recharge. You'll find he'll even need less of this as he finds the respect he so highly values. Biblical obedience is a big way of respecting husbands. This is a huge lesson in itself and requires a Biblical worldview, something most husbands and wives lack, even most Christian ones.

As the man as the king of his castle, the Godly leader of his family, it's important to him that his wife refrain from taking the lead. Wives, don't nag your husbands. Don't talk to them as if they're children. You are not the authority over them, not if you're Godly, so behave as if he is in authority in the family. By doing so, you will be showing him tremendous respect. Give him the chance to hear your thoughts and feelings--men, listen to them!--but then acknowledge his authority in making the decision. Men must not abuse their position of authority, but women must not usurp it either, be it in running a business, keeping the home, or even rearing the children. (Ideally, all these things are partnerships between husband and wife, but the husband is still the one in authority. A separate, lengthy lesson would be to teach men how to wield such authority with grace, delegating when appropriate, and commanding only when absolutely necessary.)

Our modern culture, replete in our sitcoms, for example, promotes female lordship over their bumbling men. This is a destructive trend, sure to eat away at a marriage. Men are ordained to lead and women to follow them. In no way does this diminish the value of women, their opinions, their ingenuity, or their initiative. It simply acknowledges that the buck must stop somewhere, and God said it's with men. Most husbands, frankly, aren't ready to step up to such familial leadership, but if their wives consistently showed them the respect due a leader, these men will, more often than not, step up to their God-given roles.

Let men treat you women as queens. Let them hold the door for you. Let them fight for you (hopefully metaphorically speaking). Let them defend your honor. Let them help you do a chore (even if it's not done your way), lift a weight, or reach up high. Let them adore you and brag about you. In so doing, you are respecting them as provider and protector. Rather than being on guard and assuming the worst in their intentions, presume the best of them. Men naturally prefer to excel, succeed, and win. Given the chance, they'll do so with you, too; they'll prefer to do a good job, perform their husbandly tasks efficiently, and seek the honorable path. It's not that men don't mess up, but that if they're expected to mess up, they'll do it more often. If their wives assumed that they intend the best, despite any mistakes, men will tend to live up to that, too. Respect their intentions.

Respect isn't costly. All it really takes is some conscientiousness and love. Look for opportunities to respect your man, and you'll be investing in him in great ways. In return, he'll respect you more, treat you better, and give you the things you desire (e.g., romance, delegated authority, freedom and flexibility, even material gifts).

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Investing in your wife

Wayne — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 07:58:21 -0500

You (the husband) do a great thing for your wife. It costs you a lot of money, time, and effort. It's a real measure of the lengths to which you'll go just to demonstrate your undying love for her--something you'd certainly never do for anyone else. In fact, you double-check your own sanity to have even considered this grand gesture, let alone carrying through with it. Prior to your own marriage, you would have locked up your married friend--for his own good--for even considering such a gift. Yet here you are, professing your undying love in a way so grandiose as to make all other husbands look evil.

To be sure, your wife is grateful, showering you with praise and love for proving your love to her so magnificently. Ten minutes later, though, she yells at you for not taking out the trash! Your head spins from the confusion at this turn of events. You thought this huge effort and expense would buy you some leniency for at least a few months, but it only lasted ten minutes. What's wrong here?

Nothing is wrong. This is just the way women work. They live in the moment, carried by the prevailing winds of their emotional whims. One minute, they are eternally grateful for your love; the next, they are reminded of your gross incompetence and uselessness for repeatedly forgetting to take out the trash. It's crushing to a man to see his masterpiece tossed aside so callously. Women usually don't understand the brutality they exhibit by their emotional capriciousness. (Women do not see their emotionalism as capricious. They call it "being in touch with [emotional] reality." Each point of view has merit and should be understood by both men and women.) It's no wonder so many husbands give up trying to please their wives; they see it as an impossible task. They toss their ideas against the wall to see what sticks--that is, they search for the kind of gesture that will forever endear their wives to them--only to find nothing sticks more than a few minutes. Most often, men give up their search in utter frustration, logically believing the short-lived benefits do not justify the costs of emotionally investing in their wives. Women, then, see their prophecies fulfilled: their husbands just go through the motions and aren't romantic enough for them.

To be fair to women, this is not the whole story. Those grand gestures are indeed forever remembered (just as much as his screw-ups are forever remembered). They do indeed endear him to her. They are indeed a long-term investment, and they do provide a good return on investment. However, the long-term benefits of great investment in our wives don't pay out like we men would expect.

We expect to receive dividends for the next several years or so, being able to cash in a dividend here or there in exchange for later mistakes we make. For men, an investment has value only when it pays out. Owning a million dollars of, say, comic books isn't actually worth a million dollars to us until we sell the collection and get the money. Sitting on a million dollars without the ability to spend any of it isn't worth anything to a man, emotionally speaking. The value of the investment is in putting it to work for us, getting something we value more than the commodity.

For women, emotional investment works differently. For them, the investment is put into a safe deposit box and just sits there. They are richer just knowing it's there. If it were taken out, spent, traded for their husband's later screw-ups, then they'd no longer have that investment. They'd rather hang onto it and just know it exists. A simplistic way of looking at it is that a woman judges the value of her marriage or her husband by the size of the investment he's made in her. This value pays off in less tangible ways. It's not that she'll overlook later screw-ups he makes, but she'll avoid devaluing him for screwing up. She will see that he, too, is worthy of investment. She is more likely to brag about her man. She will hold herself up tall and proud of her successful marriage. She will tend to be more emotionally comfortable in her marriage and not restless. She'll be less likely to eye other men or to perform thought experiments about what it might be like to be single again. Cold, hard truths, men.

For men, emotional investment is to be treated like currency, stuff that can be traded, bartered, exchanged for other things we want. We feel we only need to keep at least a minimum balance. For women, emotional investment is more akin to building a castle, with each new gesture being another room. The castle is not a commodity that can be traded, but a home. Men fail to see the return on their investment in their wives, effectively sabotaging themselves by giving up. Women fail to see how their in-the-moment emotions can demoralize their husbands, effectively sabotaging themselves, too.

Know thyself. Know thy spouse. Both husband and wife need to learn the other's language if they wish to effectively relate. Men, keep making those investment, be they large or small. Women, always remember those investments and let him know often that you remember, so he'll keep investing in you. A long and successful marriage is not easy. Husbands and wives need to work at it by better understanding each other.

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The unpaid wife and mother

Wayne — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 07:06:50 -0500

My daughter has been talking recently about how unfair it is (a favorite word of children, is it not?) that Mom doesn't get paid for all she does. From an ungodly worldview, she may be right. Mom puts out a lot of effort for no income. Without the salary, it would seem this effort is wasted. However, from a Biblical point of view, salary is not a valid measurement of worth. Given the magnitude of the Lord's sacrifice on our behalf--His only begotten Son--I'd say our worth is immeasurably high.

In a Biblical marriage, there aren't just two individuals pooling their collective resources, sharing duties, and living together. A Godly husband and Godly wife act as one. Whenever one of them benefits, so does the other. When one hurts, so does the other. To be sure, this "one flesh" is a far cry from the perfect union we'll have with our Lord in the hereafter, but it is a foreshadowing of it. While the Godly husband provides the worldly means of meeting the family's physical needs, the Godly wife and mother tends to the less mundane needs of her husband and their children. (Of course, the husband is also responsible for meeting the less mundane needs of his wife and children, else he's nothing but a paycheck.)

Women are naturally, by God's design, more nurturing and tender. They are more focused on and aware of relationships and the countless nuances therein. They can appear to be less rational at times (from a coldly logical perspective) but that's because they are intent on improving the relationships that are important to them. As humans are largely irrational, a focus on humanity will appear so, too. When a child falls and hurts himself, Mom is far more likely to express empathy and meet the child's emotional needs than Dad. Now that we know the enormous importance of sound emotional development during childhood, it makes sense that Mom, gifted in this area, be ever present to nurture the children.

Men, by their God-given nature, tend to be colder, even emotionally stunted by comparison. This makes them better gifted at those tasks requiring emotional distance, or even a complete lack of emotion or empathy. Doing what must be done, however unpleasant and revolting, is a common matra for a reason: "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do." Sometimes, this is necessary to earn that useful income to provide for the family. After all, it's not called work for no reason; and how many men would continue doing their jobs as they do if they weren't bribed (paid) to do so? A job is not always a pleasant thing, yet it's known to be necessary in some form or other to provide the means of meeting physical needs. This gift for emotional detachment, unfortunately, also makes fatherhood and marriage more challenging for them than for women and more so than men's outside-the-home duties.

Men and women are different. Anyone denying this fundamental truth is a stupid fool. God designed us differently on purpose. We complement each other. Our natural talents fit together to complete us as we are meant to be. Our called roles are different; one is not superior to the other. One is better suited at bringing home the bacon while the other is better at frying it up (if you'll pardon the not-so-kosher metaphor). In no way is the worth of a wife and mother diminished because she is not directly paid for her efforts. Likewise, a man's worth is not superior because he is paid. (Note, too, that he is only paid for a very small amount of his effort, his job. All the effort he makes in society and the community--excepting the dishonorable job of State employee--and especially within his family, is similarly unpaid in money.) For the ungodly, who measure worth with funds, a wife and mother should indeed be paid for her efforts. For the Godly, though, money is no measurement of worth at all, but merely a necessary means of fulfilling but one of a man's Godly duties.

A woman need not be paid for her work as a Godly wife and mother any more than a man is paid for his work as a Godly husband and father. All that is his is hers, including his income, and vice versa. Just as Ruth inherited all the promises and blessings of the Jews by her choice to forever join God's people, so a woman inherits all that is the man's when she joins her life to his. I should close with this especially Good News: when we choose to forever join our lives to the Lord's through His atoning Son, we will also inherit the glory that is His.

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Ten Commandments for husbands

Dave — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 16:07:36 -0400

Doug Giles has compiled a list of ten commandments for husbands. Highly recommended for men who are betrothed, or thinking about entering a matrimonial relationship. You can read Giles' epistle here, or you can watch Giles recite the commandments in a cheesy, but nonetheless entertaining, video here.

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Marriage

Wayne — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 10:35:40 -0400

Marriage

It is a great honor for Wayne to perform marriage ceremonies. Marriage is not to be taken lightly--after all, it is for life. It is a time when a man and a woman leave their parents' families to be joined together as one flesh. When done for the glory of God, marriage is awesome and a lasting blessing to all.

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