Humor

Obama jokes (finally!)

Wayne — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 14:10:01 -0400

"You know, most people, when they read '1984,' were scared. When Barack Obama read it, he started taking notes." --radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh

"The Pentagon deployed missile interceptors to Honolulu on Friday after reports that the North Koreans are planning to fire a missile at Hawaii. The president's birthplace is safe. It'll take them ten years to build a missile that can reach Kenya." --comedian Argus Hamilton

"The polite explanation for Barack Obama's diffidence on Iran is that he doesn't want to give the mullahs the excuse to say the Great Satan is meddling in Tehran's affairs. So the president's official position is that he's modestly encouraged by the regime's supposed interest in investigating some of the allegations of fraud. Also, he's heartened to hear that OJ is looking for the real killers." --columnist Mark Steyn

Uncommon Wisdom

Wayne — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 09:42:46 -0400

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you slice.

Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers—simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life—WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Some people are like Slinkies—not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Trackback URL for this post:

http://tuscanycircle.net/trackback/1643

EPA Crap & Trade (Satire)

paulfranklin — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:04:24 -0400

The EPA (Environmental Politics Administration) and the Obama administration have announced a new "Crap and Trade" Program, according to John Outhouse, Deputy Under Secretary of the EPA. The new cr@p & Trade policy sets three sets of maximum limits of methane emissions based on age: tier one limits for children 13 and under; tier two for young adults 14 to 21; and tier three for adults over 21. The cr@p and trade program allows people who control their food intake in such a way as to reduce total methane release to less than the maximum allowed for their age bracket to receive cr@p credits. These credits can then be sold or traded to people, such as vegetarians, whose diets cause them to emit levels of methane over the maximum limits. A cr@p Credit Tax Board (CCTB), whose members will be appointed by the Deputy Under Secretary, will determine both maximum methane emission limits, and the corresponding cr@p credit tax rate for each cr@p credit sold or traded. It is anticipated that the CCTB will implement a tiered tax rate, depending on the percentage that a methane emissions violator (MEV) is over the maximum limit.

To oversee the monitoring of methane emissions, the White House has announced the establishment of the Methane Emissions Monitoring Board, or MEMB. The responsibility of the MEMB is to identify MEV's and assess and collect appropriate cr@p credit fines. The MEMB will also be a clearing house for the buying and selling of cr@p credits. It is rumored that the MEMB will be headed up by Al Gore, who already has experience in setting up a carbon trading scheme.

Trackback URL for this post:

http://tuscanycircle.net/trackback/1558

Women drivers

Wayne — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 11:32:22 -0400

I know this video is going around the 'net already, but it's too darn funny not to promote!!

Trackback URL for this post:

http://tuscanycircle.net/trackback/1495

Next, the saucepans

Dave — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:50:02 -0500

This would have been a better story if the old lady had popped a cap in somebody's noggin, but it's still good. It seems that Ellen Basinski, 70, didn't take kindly to some punks going through her purse, so she punctuated her annoyance with a saucepan. After all, everybody knows that guns don't kill people, saucepans kill people!

For the record, she didn't kill anybody. I wish she had, though. Apparently, one of the would-be robbers was a kid that she had hired to shovel her driveway. She gave him a big tip, so he figured they had money. There's gratitude for you.

Trackback URL for this post:

http://tuscanycircle.net/trackback/1480

Election analysis

Dave — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 15:47:36 -0500

The only thing I don't like about this blog post is that I didn't write it (not that I could). Enjoy.

Trackback URL for this post:

http://tuscanycircle.net/trackback/1468

Ted Nugent Interview

Wayne — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 08:58:17 -0500

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was interviewed by British journalist Robert Chalmers for The Independent on Sunday, the expanded Sunday version of the UK newspaper The Independent:

"What do these deer think when they see you coming?" I ask him. "Here comes the nice guy who puts out our dinner? Or, there's the man that shot my brother?"

"I don't think they're capable of either of those thoughts, you Limey a$$h---. They're only interested in three things: the best place to eat, having sex and how quickly they can run away. Much like the French."

True story.

Trackback URL for this post:

http://tuscanycircle.net/trackback/1462

Dry Bones comic

Wayne — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 11:52:42 -0500

I hope you'll check out the new Dry Bones added to the TuscanyCircle's Links block (on the right). I've read Dry Bones for quite a while, but it's been so poignant and true, I thought it worthy to recommend to all to read. Enjoy!

Trackback URL for this post:

http://tuscanycircle.net/trackback/1449

A perspective on the bailout

Dave — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 11:44:03 -0500

Mike Adams tells it like it is. I doubt it would make a difference with someone who supported the bailouts (the appeal to fear seems to override any rational or moral considerations), but it might at least shake him up a bit.

Trackback URL for this post:

http://tuscanycircle.net/trackback/1440

The logical conclusion

Dave — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 13:56:23 -0500

In this column, Burt Prelutsky discusses academia's latest offering upon the altar of Almighty Diversity. While reviewing the representation with America's collegiate student body of various demographic groups, someone has noticed that a particular segment of society was underrepresented -- specifically, poor people.

In his analysis, Prelutsky makes a few good points. He notes, for example, that one's focus on acquiring an education is not enhanced because of the pigmentation, or social status, of the student in the next desk. He also points out that since smart, poor kids are able to get financial aid through scholarships, the poor kids that the universities are likely to target are the dumb ones. It is this point that I would like to explore a bit further.

First, I want to define my terms. When I say, "dumb students," I'm not talking about "dumb" as defined as "99% of those who graduate from public high schools." Many, if not most, of those kids are merely "dumbed-down," and could have become intelligent, productive individuals had their educational needs been served properly during their formative years. I'm talking about the really, genuinely stupid folks, the ones who aren't capable of benefiting from any sort of education. I'm talking about the cretins who are destined to become our future janitors, ditch-diggers, cops, civil servants, and politicians.

Why would the admissions departments want to include only poor, dumb kids? Wouldn't the Gods of Diversity be better served if the "bona-fide, undeniably stupid" demographic were to be properly represented on America's campuses? I submit that admissions departments may very well come to this conclusion, and that members of this formerly underrepresented group may begin matriculating to an institute of higher learning near you.

Let's take it one step further, though. What is the likely outcome of this development? "Well, that's easy," you say. "These kids should never be admitted to college in the first place. They'll flunk out, and the campus will be left to the real students." Unfortunately, that's not what will happen. Something like this has already taken place, and the outcome was very different. Back in the sixties, universities began seeking out minority students from "disadvantaged" economic circumstances. Once they arrived on campus, it became apparent that the reason they hadn't been attending college before then wasn't that they couldn't afford it, but that they couldn't cut it academically. The universities at that time had the option of allowing them to flunk out and then, as quietly as possible, admitting that their little social experiment had been a failure. What they chose, instead, was to lower the standards required for a degree so that the new students could graduate along with everyone else.

You see, allowing the "dumb" ("academically challenged"? "differently intelligenced"?) students to flunk out would destroy all the wonderful, gooey feelings that had been engendered by their admittance. This is anathema to the Left. Their false sense of self esteem must be preserved, straight through to the moment when that precious diploma is deposited in their hands, and they can proudly proclaim to the world (assuming their linguistic abilities are up to it), "I am a college graduate."

Of course, no one will mention the side effect of this arrangement. Just like in the sixties, the only way to bring this about will be to lower the standards for achieving this degree -- to the point, finally, where even a literal moron can get one. The value of such a degree in the "real world" (to whatever extent that our world can be said to be one) will be precisely zero. Who would pay money in order to receive a worthless diploma? The universities will ultimately sacrifice themselves at the altar they hold in such high esteem.

Lest one fear that the leadership of these institutions will apply the same logic, and come to the same conclusions, and thus avoid the policy changes that will lead to their destruction, fear not. Logic is neither taught nor practiced in American universities these days, so there is little to no chance that their administrators will see their plight until it is upon them. Or even then, for that matter.

Trackback URL for this post:

http://tuscanycircle.net/trackback/1354