I don't know that there's an "exact" definition of emotional maturity. I'd also wager there are almost as many answers as there are people. Having said that, I'm always willing to share my two cents...

First, I do not believe it is genetically determined, per se. One's proclivity toward emotional decision-making may be genetically influenced, though, as part of one's personality. For the most part, emotional maturity is a matter of personal choice combined with discipline and practice.

Sometimes it helps to describe the opposite (that is, emotional immaturity) to get a feel for what it is. For example, decision-making based upon transient emotional factors, in opposition to logic, would constitute emotional immaturity. Low adaptability--the relative inability to adjust to and accept new realities--would also contribute to emotional immaturity. Being a slave to one's emotions, or more importantly, being unable to master one's emotions during the times most requiring such mastery, would also qualify as emotional immaturity. An extreme example of the last might be a panic attack.

A most basic component of emotional maturity would need to be awareness. Without being aware of one's own emotional state, it would be difficult to control it, explore it, or otherwise grow in emotional maturity. Understanding one's own emotions requires the ability to temporarily, briefly (or simultaneously) escape one's present situation. If you cannot step out of the process of emotional reaction, you cannot reasonably expect to understand or evaluate yourself in the moment. The best you can hope for, then, would be an emotional post-mortem, so to speak. There is value in such after-the-fact analysis, but it doesn't help much in mastering emotions. I believe the vast majority of people are mindless slaves to their emotional states, barely aware of themselves in any objective sense (by "objective" I mean seeing oneself as if from the outside of oneself). This unfortunate fact is what makes the overwhelming majority of human behavior extremely predictable--and barely conscious, in my opinion.

I don't like Covey, but he did stumble upon some obvious truths. In his model, he describes a "gap" between stimulus and response. This gap can be used to consciously choose a reaction other than what would be automatic or reflexive. In my book, this is a key ingredient to consciousness or that which differentiates us from automatons or animals.

Emotional maturity in children can indeed be taught, but like most worthwhile virtues, it must take years of discipline and practice to develop. It's unrealistic to pin an age down for emotional maturity, first because it is a lifelong process and, second, because of asynchronous development. Kids mature in different areas at different times and at different rates; different as compared to others and even compared to themselves year over year. This would make it extremely difficult to map age and emotional maturity. A parent needs to maintain the delicate balance of affirming the validity of a child's feelings--contributing to his emotional awareness--with the need to gradually develop control over the child's own emotional responses. It is largely impossible to teach a child this, though, if the parents have little emotional maturity of their own. If my belief is true, that the bulk of the world is oblivious to their own emotional state and in even less control of it, it's ludicrous to presume the next generation will more emotionally mature than the last.

My model of Sapience touches on some aspects of emotional maturity, specifically in the categories of Coping, Introspection, and Logic. I have defined sapience to be a superset of emotional maturity, you could say, but it may be a helpful model in developing emotional maturity nevertheless. Note that this model is to be used for adults; it's not designed for children.

My windy response only touched on one aspect of attaining emotional maturity, yet this was asked more than once in the original post. I didn't do it justice. The one aspect was capitalizing on the "gap" between stimulus and response. This is crucial, to be sure, but offers little in the way of "why" or "how". This even windier response should cover these better.

The Word of God makes it clear we're to be mature. My favorite verse, Matthew 5:48, uses a Greek word that is most often translated as "perfect" but also connotes "mature" and "complete". There are other verses that confirm this sentiment of maturity (e.g., "be wise as serpents", "put away childish things", etc.). James wrote of mastering one's own tongue, a crucial element of self-control. Here's a brief page with some good stuff about emotionalism in a Biblical context.

I believe I've established a Biblical motivation for emotional maturity. There's the motivation for going after it: God says so. If we are truly God's bond-servants, we desire to obey Him because we love Him, because He loved us first. If God is good with no trace of sin (and He is), then anything other than obedience is pure foolishness on our part. As wise as we may be in heeding the wisdom of our fathers, so much more so in heeding the wisdom of our Creator-Father.

While simple, Godly obedience is the best of motives, there are other benefits to emotional maturity, and I think it's fair to reveal these even at the risk of contaminating our motives. For example, our decision-making will yield more desirable results. When we can master our emotional responses long enough to see reality sans emotion (assuming a proper worldview through which we perceive reality), we are better informed of the fuller situation in which we find ourselves. (Don't mistake what I'm recommending. I'm not saying emotions are inherently bad and must be suppressed--far from it--but they must not be our masters; rather, we are to be their master, keeping them properly framed in the larger picture.)

In addition to better decision-making, another benefit of emotional maturity is wisdom. In a very practical way, this wisdom is about the world even though it does not originate from the world. As I asserted earlier, once emotions are well understood, people's behavior becomes very predictable. This kind of wisdom should make relationships go more smoothly, parenting more predictable, make for better governors and legislation, provide superior economic models, and even offer good predictors for social development and reform.

When we can set aside our emotions temporarily, or subjugate them to our better judgment, we are better equipped to see what the Lord's Word says to us without being colored by our fleshly desires. The Word is not a "living document" that can be twisted to affirm whatever sins we desire, but stands as an objective record of the Law, God's desires for us, and our purpose in life. In the Word, we see correction, conviction, guidance, and counsel--this is, when we look without distorted perception. If we are offended by Biblical polygamy, for example, we will be much less effective as understanding it as God intended. Only when we can set aside our emotional response can we dive into the study of the practice and see what God wants for us. Being a disciple of Christ is not about finding justification in the Word for the lifestyle we've already assumed, even if this lifestyle is modeled in the modern church. Being a disciple means we will be wrong and need correction. We are seeking His way for us, not our way.

Emotional maturity also means feeling emotions, even deeply. While our emotions may be subjugated by our reason and will, they are not denied. They must be accepted, understood and understood in context. None is inherently evil or good, but like a firearm or a fork, they may be used for good or for evil. Even our Lord Jesus got righteously angry, made a whip, and forcefully cleared the Temple. He also experienced great sadness at the death of His friend, Lazarus. I'm quite sure he was frustrated with the idiocy around Him, most of all in His own disciples. He called people bad names. I believe He employed sarcasm on occasion, too, revealing His underlying emotional state. If He was sinless (He was), then all these feelings and even how they were expressed were contextually good. Likewise, our emotions can be experienced righteously.

As we allow ourselves to be molded as He wants us to become, and as we subjugate our flesh to our spirit, our emotional responses will conform to His model. When we see sin, be it in others or more likely in ourselves, we will be righteously angry, hating it for what it is. When we keep this emotion under control (i.e., not consumed by it), we can simultaneously feel great compassion for those committing these sins, because they are God's creation, too, and they may be lost to Him presently. These two emotions, anger and compassion, are not contradictory at all--despite what the superficial and fallen world would have us believe. We can feel both at the same time. As we mature emotionally, we can better understand this and allow ourselves to feel both at once. Likewise for the gamut of emotions.

As we mature emotionally, we will less often feel anger merely when we don't get our way or when our sins are not affirmed. More often, our sins will disgust us, and we'll want to repent of them. In this way, emotional maturity then becomes self-reinforcing. Given the kind of effort it may require to begin the journey of emotional maturity, this "momentum" is a welcome reward.

Why should we chase after emotional maturity? God says so. We'll see many temporal and eternal benefits from it. How do we do attain it? Certainly with the Lord's help. Allow Him to move in your heart; ask Him to help you want it and give you the strength to chase it. Remember that our emotions are but one component of us and they are not our master. Understand them (and therefore ourselves and others) and appreciate them in their proper, Godly contexts. Finally, remember we are made in God's image, emotions included.

Got here from Wayne’s post. I think emotional maturity has to be learned during childhood from our families – parents specifically. We all have a natural emotional-reactive capability built in to protect and defend ourselves. Sometimes traumatic events can kick this into overdrive and cause difficulties later in life.

Google “limbic system” sometime and read about fight-or-flight physiology.

I agree with Daniel Goleman that emotional maturity (his term is emotional intelligence) is defined by our ability to recognize when this natural fight-or-flight response is kicking in and override it with our logical, thinking brain and subsequent appropriate reaction. If you think about it, babies and children don’t do this at all. They want or need then react without thinking. As parents we teach things like sharing, delayed gratification, sacrifice, gratitude, calming down, discipline and the difference between good and evil. All of these things are tools in the psychological toolbox that are essential for adult life. Without them, we would just be reactionary children trapped in adult bodies.

As Wayne pointed out, emotionally immaturity often involves a lack of self-examination. There is no ability to ask, “How do I feel about my feelings?” Sometimes it is more complicated than just making a decision to change – some need professional help. In your case, I would say the fact that you are even asking the question implies a level of emotional maturity. Your concern about passing on your perceived short-comings to your children is a result of normal mature reflection. Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend is a good biblically-based resource for getting started.

During my more skeptical moments, I tend to think that we spend our first 15-20 years getting screwed up, the next 20-30 screwing others up and whatever’s left either trying to undo the damage or mourning it. Not to sound trite, but I am thankful for the grace of God – He readily injects Himself into this cycle and can bring it to a halt when we ask.