Forgiveness
Submitted by Wayne on Thu, 2008-10-02 07:51.
Holiness
Forgiveness is a difficult subject. We enjoy holding onto our grudges. When we're hurt anew, we prefer to remember the old hurts and lump them together as an ever growing indictment against those who hurt us. When there's no real relationship (i.e., those who hurt us are not friends or family), the only harm done is to ourselves in our refusal to forgive. When it's a friend or family member we refuse to forgive, though, not only do we rot from the inside, but we also destroy our relationship with that friend or family member.
Relationships can be destroyed unilaterally. While it takes two to maintain a healthy relationship, it only takes one to destroy it. This awful burden should be a wake-up call to us if we're not actively forgiving past, repented sins against us by our loved ones.
I dare say the lack of forgiveness is a leading cause of divorce in our culture. Our spouses see all the intimate details of our lives, including our faults, sins, shortcomings, and failures. We hurt the ones we love not be cause we set out to do so, but simply because we are imperfect and those we love see this imperfection (and its unfortunate effects) the most. Without repeated, constant forgiveness, marriage has little to no chance to survive.
How can we forgive when we are sure the offender will again sin against us in the future? Shouldn't we protect ourselves from hurt? Shouldn't we learn from past pain to avoid future pain? The answer is, it depends upon whether or not we desire a relationship with our offender. If it's no big loss to destroy the relationship, then by all means, protect yourself by severing it if you desire. (Of course, refusing to forgive will destroy you from the inside.) However, if the offender is your spouse, you only have two choices: forgive and again risk being hurt in the future (for we are all imperfect), or destroy the marriage. Far too many prefer the latter.
How, then, can we forgive? How can we really let go of our hurt? I found what may be arguably one of the best descriptions of forgiveness and how to grant it. Here are some excerpts:
"Hate is like an acid. It destroys the vessel in which it is stored."
...
"Hating someone is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it."
...
"If we could read the secret history of our enemies we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
...
Stop telling "the story." How many times this week [or even this year] did you tell "the story" about how badly you were hurt and how horribly you were wronged? How many times a day do you think about this hurt? It is a stake driven into the ground that keeps you from moving away from this hurt. Rather, forgive your enemy [or spouse] because it's the kindest thing you can do for your friends and family. Negativity is depressing, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
...
Forgiveness is a choice. When you say, "I can't forgive that person," what you're really saying is, "I'm choosing not to forgive that person." If you say it the second way instead, you'll find yourself forgiving soon.
...
You need to keep these four points in mind when forgiving someone:
- Do not bring up the situation up to yourself.
- Do not bring up the situation to the offender.
- Treat the offender as if it never happened.
- Do not talk about the situation to others.
Refusal to forgive requires effort. It takes energy to remember old wrongs and feed grudges. In contrast, forgiveness is akin to merely letting go of bad baggage. While you may be in the habit of carrying that baggage around, and breaking that habit may itself require some effort, it's really easier to simply drop the baggage than it is to keep hauling an ever growing bag of hurt.
Most sobering is Matthew 6:14-15:
For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.
I do not preach any of this from a position of superiority. I have struggled with forgiveness just like everybody else. While I have grown much over the years, I continue to struggle with forgiveness (e.g., the masses' stupidity), but I do so now fully aware of my choice and the costs to me. This awareness convicts me and urges me to forgive. The more I practice forgiveness, then, the better I get at it and I am more at peace.
Thankfully, our heavenly Father has no such issue with forgiveness. He offers it to us repeatedly without reservation. No matter how many times we slip up, as long as we desire relationship with Him, His forgiveness is freely available to us. May we all come to embrace His example and practice it.
Trackback URL for this post:
http://tuscanycircle.net/trackback/593
Love and forgiveness
Submitted by Wayne on Mon, 2009-10-12 10:44.
Love keeps no record of wrongs. Forgiveness is an act of love.
No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God. This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother. This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. nd why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brother's were righteous. Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you. We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. (from 1 John 3, emphasis added)
Accepting forgiveness
Submitted by Wayne on Mon, 2009-10-12 11:52.
The other side to forgiveness is accepting the same. We may need to accept forgiveness from others against whom we previously sinned, or we may need to accept forgiveness from the Lord for our sins against Him. [Prior to accepting forgiveness, we must be convicted (by the Holy Spirit) and repent, but we'll assume this is the case for now.] Unfortunately, we may mistakenly exhibit a resistance to accepting forgiveness because of our guilt over our sins. The problem, then, is not one of "forgiving oneself"—a Godless misnomer—but one of guilt.
Guilt that moves us toward repentance is sometimes called conviction. Guilt that survives conviction and takes on a life of its own, refusing forgiveness, is not an act of the Holy Spirit but of evil. Once forgiven, there is no more purpose to guilt. If you have been cleansed once for all, you should no longer feel guilty for your sins (ref.).
It's important to remember that our guilt does not sufficiently atone for our sins. The only true atonement is a blood sacrifice, and the only lasting one is the blood of a sinless Man. Even our own death and eternal torment are not enough to atone for our sins (else the damned could be saved), for we are far from worthy. To hang onto our guilt as a form of self-punishment is to give ourselves more credit than is due. Only the blood of Jesus is enough to atone for our sins. Accepting such propitiation in no way justifies our sins, but neither does guilt. Jesus' sacrifice for us was made in spite of our unworthiness, but our persistent guilt does not somehow make us worthy. Instead of guilt, He wants our gratitude.
From a psychological perspective, hanging onto guilt after forgiveness is offered, then, is nothing more than emotional self-indulgence. It's a kind of hedonism, where a perverse pleasure is found in self-pity or self-loathing. No matter how you slice it, though, it's narcissistic, antithetical to holiness. In spiritual terms, it's placing oneself—one's judgment, wisdom, choice—ahead of the One offering forgiveness, rejecting His terms and rejecting Him.
Rather than rejecting forgiveness out of a misplaced, narcissistic attempt at atonement, rest assured: if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.
Justice
For me, this is a matter of justice. When another sins against me, but justice is not served, I tend to want to hold that case open perpetually, adding additional charges as they occur. In a way, such a motivation is admirable; the Lord is just and asks us to be so, too. However, there is a lack of faith here, too. I must trust the Supreme Judge will eventually hear the case against such sinners. He will eventually judge all our actions--every thought, word, and deed. Justice will be served eventually.
Forgiveness is not about forgoing justice or offering mercy. Justice will be served by the Judge. Mercy is His to offer or withhold. Forgiveness is about cleansing our own hearts of our desire to substitute ourselves for the One, True Judge. Seen this way, any refusal to forgive is an obvious sin, the sinful desire to be God in the seat of justice.
I cannot say this is universally applicable. I don't know all the reasons people fail to forgive. This aspect of justice is certainly the key for me, though.